To Martin, on your 40th Birthday.
Today is your 40th birthday. Except it’s not. But it is.
Most of us get to a point where we will say ‘oh, I’m such and such an age for the umpteenth time’…. But you, you’re eternally 33. Time stopped for you, and it’s just us who are still here that are left counting those moments that should have been.
And there are so many of those moments. All the milestones that have happened in the last six years since you passed away. New schools, new homes, new jobs…. all of them marked by the presence of your absence.
40 is a milestone. Another decade of life. Except now we’re inching closer to a decade without you. Normally I can deal with that, a moment when I just catch myself and carry on as if I hadn’t just been hit by a wave.
Today I’m drowning.
Today you would be 40. There would be maybe some more grey hairs than the 3
you had when I last saw you. You’d be driving me insane with the World Cup because Gods only knows you were a horrific winner, I’d be apologising to the neighbours for the noise…. You’d be spoiling the kids, Morena would be your princess and Tomas would be sneaking to stay up to play computer games with you. There would be love and laughter and fights and joy, with dancing and madness thrown in for good measure.
You would be here. And that would be enough.
I get your messages. I know you like to mess with the electronics in the house when you think I need to slow down- the lights in the kitchen that always screw about when I’m stressed, setting the alarm off on your phone that hadn’t been turned on in over a year when I needed to stop working so late into the night- your little ways of letting us know you’re watching out for us.
Tomas is so like you, he keeps it all inside. He's getting better about talking about you, it's a process and hes working at it. I look at him and I forget to breathe when i see you in him.
Morena finds feathers everywhere. She was so little it’s hard to know what she remembers and what she knows from being told, but those feathers let her know she is oh so loved.
We miss you. I miss you. I don’t want you to think we’re not happy- we have a wonderful group of friends who surround us in so much love and positivity that I thank my luck on a daily basis. It’s the comfort and the familiarity of you that is missed, the warmth and the ease of being that made our family whole. I still catch myself waiting for you to come home before I think about dinner. I still have your number saved in my phone.
Today you would be 40. I wish I could see you, hold you, hear your voice, buy you a cake (strawberries with cream, your favourite) and just spend a moment of nomality with you and our babies for as long as we could.
Knowing that I can’t….. I will continue to try my best to make you proud. I will have the cake, and pour a glass of fernet, and remember you. I will keep you with me and with them always.
Happy birthday baby.
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